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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Caring for Parents

So it's been a really long time since I've posted.  Much has gone on in the last month plus.  I hate excuses, but I've used plenty this year... but this last month I don't even count as an excuse.  It's life and life, sometimes just plain sucks.

November 1st my family had our annual cook-off.  It was a blast, so many of us participated.  But the one guy we can always count on eating a ton, didn't even come up from the basement to visit with us nor did he eat one morsel of our foods.  We were all pretty upset with him that he didn't even come up to say hello.  Some of us went down there to chat with him and some didn't.  That him was my dad.

For one week after that he didn't eat much.  He said he was in pain and didn't feel good.  Felt scared to eat because he thought he'd get sick.  He slept a ton that week.  He had been sleeping more and more over the past year, but we just thought he was lazy.  My mom noticed he wasn't always doing his blood sugar and taking his insulin.  She asked him to call his doctor and make an appointment.  He said he would when he wanted to.  He didn't do it.  I begged him to go to the doctor, he said he would Monday (this was Thursday).  I said, what if Monday is too late.  How about we go to the hospital.  If you're that sick, then you should be getting seen by someone.  He said to wait.

The following Saturday (one week from the cook-off) my brother took my dad to the hospital.  My mom and I were out with friends, delivering a meal to my friends parents as her mother was diagnosed with Cancer and wasn't seeking treatment.  She was receiving home hospice care.  After we delivered the meal we went shopping and had a good time.  One last hoorah before my mom went in for complete and total knee replacement surgery.  On the way home that night, we got a call from my brother who was frantic.  "I'm taking dad to Maple Grove Hospital.  He's very yellow and we can't understand him very well."

They admitted him and started doing tests.  7 days of tests.  In the mean time, that following Monday we had a horrible snow storm, so my mom and I rented a hotel room so that we were sure to be on time for her Surgery that Tuesday.  So we had our dad in Maple Grove Hospital and our mom in Woodwinds (Woodbury) hospital.  My mom had her surgery Tuesday and by Tuesday night she was trying to communicate with the doctors/nurses at Maple Grove via the phone from 45 miles away.  All drugged up and only comprehending some of what they were saying.  My brother was incredible (as was my sister in law) trying to stay on top of everything with my dad and the doctors.  Asking incredibly good questions, getting incredible information and relaying that information to the family.  They were doing this while I was staying in the hospital with my mom (oh my god the "bed" I slept in was horrible).

I came home one night so I could get my parents garbage down to the corner, sleep in my own bed and turn around and head right back up to the hospital for my mom's therapy.  They wanted the patients coach there for therapy so that we knew what we needed to do when they came home.  Mom came home Thursday... so again, I was back up there that day too.

During these two days we were documenting and posting how good my mom was doing... but on the inside we were so terribly worried about my dad.  No knowing and not being able to talk with the doctors ourselves is very hard.  Even though my brother and his wife were updating us often.

The night we brought my mom home was horrible for her.  She was in so much pain.  I stayed the first night with her.  I couldn't take my ambien because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up to give her her pills (every 2 hours)... so one more sleepless night for me.  I don't do well on no sleep (poor me I know).

Friday I had a concert to go to... Garth Brooks.  I was meeting my husbands friend's basically for the first time.  I needed to be fun and have fun.  I wanted them to like me...  Friday is the day we were told my dad had terminal cancer and had 2-6 months to live.  Pancreatic Cancer is what they said, after all those tests.  The problem is that they couldn't do some of the tests because he also had a heart condition.  Diabetic... and his kidneys were failing (apparently for quite some time, but he never told us how serious that was).

I put on the bravest face I could that night at the concert.  I met some nice people, I liked them and I think they liked me.  BUT we had to the leave the concert half way through... I just couldn't do it.  So my husband took me back to the hotel where I proceeded to cry the rest of the evening.  It was horrible and from this point forward I will forever hate that night.

Since my mom had just had knee surgery and my dad is a 330 pound man that needed constant care, he couldn't come home.  So the following Saturday we moved my dad to transitional care up here in Buffalo.  The place we moved him to was supposed to be the nicest place.  We did not think so.  We didn't like it at all.  The nursing staff was super nice, but very overwhelmed.  The place was gloomy.  They shared super small rooms, so visiting was very uncomfortable.  The people in that place were much older than my dad (71).  He hated it there, thought he didn't belong there.  At this point he still didn't realize how sick he was.

We had a care meeting a week and a half later... the day before Thanksgiving.  They evaluated him and said he had a great attitude and that he was doing well.  He wasn't progressing, but just hanging in there.  He was able to walk to the bathroom by himself, but beyond that he really didn't walk much.

My brother brought him home for Thanksgiving.  This was to be the test.  If he did well at Thanksgiving, he would likely come home the following Wednesday after we had the more conclusive tests done (for Pancreatic Cancer).  Unfortunately, Thanksgiving didn't go all that well.  He was tired and from the little bit of walking inside the house he was done for.  He went to the basement, we brought him his dinner.  He ate maybe 3 bites.  He then went and sat on the couch and watched his football... for the rest of the night.  We all went down to talk to him for a little bit, but it was scary and sad to see.  So I personally didn't spend a ton of time with him... but enough to see he was not well.

We brought him back and my mom and I went to visit him that following Sunday.  The visit was not good.  He looked yellow again, hard to understand, he was somewhat confused again.  He was crying because he said he ruined Thanksgiving.  He didn't... but it was ruined for him.  I think he thought everything would be back to normal.  It wasn't.  We talked with him, cried with him and assured him he didn't ruin Thanksgiving.

The next day we were on the phone with the nursing home.  Pushing to see the house doctor.  We were able to see him the next day.  He ordered tests and confirmed that my dad's numbers were sky rocketing again and he was very ill.  At first he was telling us that there was hope, but after these tests came back and talking to my dad - he realized he was not long for this world.

Saturday came... my dad was brought to Buffalo Hospital.  All of us were there to support him.  He was even more hard to understand and in and out of it a lot.  He cried a bit...  I cried a lot.  You could tell he was making peace with things and people.  It was very weird to watch and be a part of.  Buffalo Hospital could not help him, so they transported him to North Memorial.

The next two days North Memorial tried to figure things out.  They couldn't help him.  We, as a family, made the decision to turn off his defribulator and stop all treatment and move forward with pain management for my dad.  It was the saddest, most scariest thing we've ever had to do.  The odd thing was is that we all agreed on the best approach.  They told us once we do all of this, he had hours to maybe 2 weeks to live... and that they needed him to be moved to hospice.

We moved him to hospice the next day.  He was there by 11... he passed that evening at 8:30 pm.  I won't go into explaining what we went through / saw that day... except I will say it was horrific.  I hope you will never have to see anything like this in your lifetime.

So... long story long... this is why I haven't been writing.  I haven't given up on myself... I just now need time to grieve and then refocus on myself... and I will.  I have to, for my dad.

Take care of your bodies...

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.


Thursday, November 20, 2014

Busy Busy Busy

There's a lot going on personally in my life right now so the updates may be few and far between for the next few months.

I will be doing my best to make decent choices but for now my family is my #1 priority.  I apologize if this is letting you folks down, but right now it's just too much for me to maintain the blog, try and focus on my food and take care of some personal matters.

I'll keep you posted on my progress as often as I'm able.


Thursday, November 6, 2014

My Holiday Goal

So, I've not been the most positive person lately.  You can tell from my posts I'm sure.  It's been quite the last 8 months.  I've gotten myself into quite the depression and struggled and GAINED A LOT of weight back.

I'm not jumping on the "I'm Back Baby" bandwagon, but I'm certainly trying.  I always think about what I'm eating/doing but as of most recent, I've not been in control.  I know what I've been doing is wrong and can't stop myself.  I literally ate 3 candy bars worth of candy in one sitting... maybe even more.  Just shoveling it into my mouth.  I know it's because the Halloween candy is easy to come by, but for goodness sake, how am I even able to do that without getting sick?

I can't answer that, but I didn't get sick.  I didn't feel great, but I didn't get sick either.

Last week at weight watchers I spoke with my leader a bit about a plan for the week.  The plan was that if I could track, then I could buy myself this tasty popcorn.

I didn't track all week long, I made it a day and a half.  UGHHHHH

So I didn't track, big deal.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  There's no point, it's done and over with.  But, what I did do for myself is I finally started to exercise.  I started Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred (3rd time... probably my most used video).  It sucks.  It's hard.  It's do-able... I'm modifying it right now since I'm so out of shape, but I'm doing it.

My husband actually told me that he was proud of me this morning, because I got up to work out before I started work.  Needless to say, I can tell he's not been real proud of me lately (neither am I, but ughhhh it's hard to see it in his face).  It did make me proud of myself too, because I hate mornings... but the fact is, I did it.  It's over for the day and I wish I could do that every day... that, is not possible.  I'm not getting up at 4:30 in the morning to work out.  I seriously hate mornings.

Anyway - I'm proud of myself for this last week.  I was not perfect (had a lot lot lot of candy) but I did something good for myself... not just the working out but my lunches were better for me too and by Tuesday my dinners were on track as well.  I still have a bit to work on and it's only going to get harder through the holidays.

I do have a plan though.  My plan is to continue my 30 days of shred.  Which will put me at the first week of December.  By the end of next week I will have my plan in place for what's after that.  Because I am most definitely going to continue working out. A person makes much better choices if they are exercising.  It's that plain and simple.  You just don't want to undo what you just worked so hard to do.

Eventually my plan is to get back to the gym.  But I'm not ready for all my gym friends to see how much weight I've put on.  I'm THAT person... but I'm also wasting $32.00 a month by not going.  So that is my ultimate goal!

There you have it... I'm getting myself back into a better place.

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Hiatus

So I went on a short hiatus.  Hoping to get my act together before I made another post.  Unfortunately during my hiatus, I ended up going away (planned) for 5 days.  5 days of fun with friends and food.

It did not go well.  I made bad choices and of course they showed on the scale.

My mother is extremely upset with how I'm doing and is blaming herself.  Which absolutely drives me crazy.  To the point where I've now gotten mad at her for ever bringing it up.  It doesn't help me one bit for her to say things like that and just makes me angry.  She now knows it, but is still making reference to it.  She needs to stop (I know you're reading this).

This is my journey... good or bad, the choices I make are mine.  It has nothing to do with what you have in your home.  It has everything to do with how I choose to eat.  What I choose to do when I'm alone.

My injury and inability to exercise right now has not helped, although this week I'm feeling much better and HAVE to exercise.

I do not feel sorry for myself, but I do need to figure out why I'm not putting in the effort.  I loved how I felt when this weight was gone.  I loved where I was going.  I need to remember that.  Still allow some fun, but I need to get back on the saddle and ride this journey out.  I need those bad foods/choices to go away!

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After!


Thursday, October 9, 2014

Annibirthday Week

So it was a week of celebrations... it was my birthday Monday and my anniversary yesterday.  What does that mean?  Well since my husband and I don't do much for presents these days it means eating out.  It also means that for my mommy and I.  I've celebrated well this week.

It showed on the scale, not surprised.  But I am surprised that it's not more.  However, I will say that I did TRY to eat less during other meals (didn't always work) that weren't the celebration meals.  At least that's a step in the right direction.

I failed at tracking.  I will be tracking this week, starting now!

Have a great week...

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Bad Bad Girl, Naughty!

I had a fantastic weekend!  Friends, food, drinks and fun.  Lots of drinking and eating out - which equates to a roller coaster of other eating issues for the week.

It showed on the scale.

I can't expect anything different.  I knew what I was doing. I'm going to restart this week.

I am going to be alone this weekend.  Which is always tough for me, so I will be making a food plan for the weekend.  Trying to be good, because Monday is my birthday... and what do we do for birthday's?  We celebrate.  UGH

There's always something right?  I just need to make better choices on the non-celebrating days as well as all the rest of the meals.  I can do this.  I'm worth it!

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

One week at a time

So, last week was kind of a come to Jesus meeting for me.  I use stress and sadness (and happy times too) to eat.  Stress/sadness is nervous eating.  Happy times of course is celebratory eating.  I can't win.  I have asked myself over and over "What do you really want?"  "Is it worth it?"  Sometimes I say I want this food, it is worth it - and then I regret it... and sometimes I say no and feel so successful.

This week was incredibly tough.  One of my very best friends has just lost her husband (unexpectedly) and the funeral was over the weekend.  I had been over eating way before this all happened and once I found out I noticed every time I thought about her I would eat.  EAT EAT EAT.

And... as you know I've kept gaining, gaining, gaining!

This past week, I really really tried.  I tried not to over eat, I tried to track and I tried to exercise.  I was mostly successful.  My points were not on point, but they were WAY better than I have been.  It did show on the scale this week and for that I'm happy.

BUT, it was a constant struggle.  I still have a long way to go and I'm no longer in my Weight Watcher honeymoon.  I haven't been for well over a year.  This year has been incredibly tough on me - for some reason I just can't stay on track.

However, I am going to continue to work at this.  Continue on what I feel was a super successful week for me last week - even though it wasn't a huge weight loss.  It's still a success and the scale moved in the right direction.  BECAUSE of me.  BECAUSE of my constant thinking about what I really want.

I'm still in it to win it!  It feels good. I felt way better this week and I am excited to see how I can overcome challenges this week.

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After!