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Thursday, February 26, 2015

On Triggity Track!

I am ON FIRE right now.  I don't even care what the scale says this week!  I feel great and will continue to do what I'm doing (well, except for Saturday/Sunday this weekend... a little college reunion going on).

So, let me tell you about my week.

Food.  On point.  Literally so on point that I didn't even use any extra points this week and only ONE of my 27 activity points I earned.  Now, to be fair, I didn't eat out at all this past week and that totally helps.  I had nothing going on with friends (other than one lunch out, where I ordered a plain 'ol chicken salad) and we didn't really do anything or go anywhere over the weekend.  Other than to the gym.

Which leads me to the gym.  I am attempting to mix it up between the bike and the treadmill like I did the week before.  I like the bike because all I have to do is sit there and watch my show (I'm onto season 4 of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" -- terrible show if you don't like slap-stick comedy).  The treadmill is much harder to do that because there's only two treadmills in the gym where they are setup well enough for my phone to be at a normal eye level for watching the screen.  Otherwise, I just listen and look down every once and a while.

The most exciting thing for me this week is that I branched out and went over to the weight machines.  Now, you must know - I dislike weight lifting (at first).  Part of that is that I'm scared because I don't remember how all the machines work (I know that free weights are the way to go but shit if I can't even do them on machines, you think I have any clue how to do things with free weights???) and the people on that side are intimidating... and they stare at you.  Or maybe it's me staring at them... trying to see how this all works.

Regardless... THIS is a huge non-scale victory for me.

The hard part though is that when I do weights, I don't want to do cardio too (meaning on the same night).  Therefore my "steps" suffer as do my activity points earned from my ActiveLink.  So, that's a bit stressful to me as I like to see things quantified.  I like earning those points, it's very much a motivator for me.  With my Fitbit and the steps I get from that... also very much a motivator as I can compare my steps to others... and prior to this renewed sense of "take care of me" I was down in the bottom 20+ people and now I've been #1 or #2.  I like being up there.  I am a super competitive person.  Like terribly competitive (you know that if you know me personally).

Anyway - I feel like a rock star.

The scale was good to me as well.  Of course it's hard to follow up a week where you lost 3.2 lbs... so I'm very happy with my 2 lb loss.  I am going in the right direction.  Lets just hope I don't go too hog wild while I'm away this weekend and that I can pick myself back up and get right back on that horse as soon as I walk in the door on Sunday.  I hope that you too have found a way to either stay on track (if you have been) or get yourself a renewed sense of "take care of you" time!

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

My work is paying off... finally!

So as I mentioned last week my focus has been on both food and exercise.  I am a tracking and exercising maniac!  I feel like I'm doing everything I can to stay within my points.

Last week I was a little disappointed because I didn't lose as much as I had expected. My level of activity had been insane...  I had earned 34 points.  I used all of those points, my weekly extra's plus another 6.  In the past I haven't had a problem with that I could go probably 20+ negative and still lose.  But over the last year I haven't been able to go "as negative" as I had in the past.

I've thought about that a lot.  When I work out that much I get way more hungry and I feel like it's doing the opposite I need it to do.  So this week I was going to try and not use my extra's.  Well that is almost impossible for me because I don't like to deprive myself (because that ALWAYS backfires on me) and most of my extra's used are within 1-3 days of my week not literally spread out for the whole week.  Maybe that's why it was working for me.

This week I decided to cut down my activity a little.  I didn't work out 2 of the 7 days... and my work outs are really either just riding bike (for an hour) or walking on the treadmill (for 2 miles) and then the bike for another 8-10 miles (typically an hour regardless of what activity I'm doing).  Nothing taht is too terribly intense.  In the end, I had only earned 23 activity points... I used all of those plus 41 of my 49 weekly points.  So I had 8 points left over.  THIS, I see, is a success.

If you compare "extra" used from this week to last (including those that I earned and gained)... there's a difference of 11 points used... but the earned to used usage is a difference of 22 points...  I think I may have found my mid-ground.  I lost 3.2 this week.  I am beyond thrilled!  It's sad how much this motivates me, I hate being a slave to the scale.  But it's a true fact for most of us.  I don't think that will ever go away for me (sadly).

Either way I'm calling this week and extremely successful week!  I'm more motivated than ever.  I don't have any new goals to work towards other than just keep on doing what I'm doing.  Trying to keep that middle ground with my exercise and eating.  I know I won't lose big next week but If I continue down this path I will lose.  Period.  If I go back I won't and I will gain quickly... I've proven that already and don't need to prove that theory out any more than I have.

Good luck to you on your journey... I hope you can find your way back if you'be been lost.  You have to want it!  Period.  There's no way around it.  You also have to do something to change.  Easy for me to say right now because I feel in absolute control.  But one can be thrown off that thrown so easily and quickly... I'm praying for my continued strength!

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After!

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Working HARD

In the last 5 weeks, with the exception of one because I was on vacation, I've turned over a new leaf.  I have been back to the gym at least 3 times a week if not more.  I have been tracking... and in the last two weeks have been really trying to stay within my allotted points (plus extras of course).  I'm much closer this week than I have been in the last 5.  And I'm feeling in control.


The scale is not my friend.  It has barely budged and this week, when I've been the best, I've only lost .8 lbs.  It's not an insignificant loss, but in my mind it should be a few lbs..  From what I was doing to what I am doing now, I should be down 5-8 lbs in these last 5 weeks.  In fact, I'm down 2 total.  It's just frustrating.


I vow to continue to track, exercise and not let this get me down.  I'm also going to try (TRY) not to use my exercise points.  This past week I had 33 exercise points and I used them all with my "extra" that WW allows.  In the past that has not been a problem from me... but here we are 3 1/2 - 4 years later and I'm in my 40's.  Maybe I just can't do that anymore... this will make it much harder for me though.

So please, if you're out there and reading this.  Please pray for me that next week will show some results on the scale.  THAT is what I need right now.

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

I'm back to blogging

Welcome back, I hope that I didn't lose too many readers while I was gone.  I just needed a break.  Too many personal things going on to focus on blogging too.

For the last two and a half weeks I've been trying to do a lot better - with food, exercise, sleep, etc.  I've succeeded for the most part.  I did lose the previous week, but I had gained one pound back this week.  I was not happy about that and honestly - weighed myself yesterday and knew that I had gained so I let it bother me last night.  Well, lets be honest - last night and today!  I didn't eat well last night and skipped the gym.  I had promised myself I wouldn't do that, but I'm human.

Anyway - I vow to do better this week!  I am going out of town to a hotel so it'll be hard.  We do have a full kitchen, so I'll be able to bring some healthier stuff for myself... but meals will be mostly out of my control (we are going up with a few other people).  And the snacks that will be around will be really tempting and hard to stay away from.  BUT I will do my best and stay focused on those days that I actually do have full control over.  Which - is most of the rest of the week.

I'm glad to be back, I hope you're glad I'm back too!

I can't wait to be Healthfully Ever After!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Caring for Parents

So it's been a really long time since I've posted.  Much has gone on in the last month plus.  I hate excuses, but I've used plenty this year... but this last month I don't even count as an excuse.  It's life and life, sometimes just plain sucks.

November 1st my family had our annual cook-off.  It was a blast, so many of us participated.  But the one guy we can always count on eating a ton, didn't even come up from the basement to visit with us nor did he eat one morsel of our foods.  We were all pretty upset with him that he didn't even come up to say hello.  Some of us went down there to chat with him and some didn't.  That him was my dad.

For one week after that he didn't eat much.  He said he was in pain and didn't feel good.  Felt scared to eat because he thought he'd get sick.  He slept a ton that week.  He had been sleeping more and more over the past year, but we just thought he was lazy.  My mom noticed he wasn't always doing his blood sugar and taking his insulin.  She asked him to call his doctor and make an appointment.  He said he would when he wanted to.  He didn't do it.  I begged him to go to the doctor, he said he would Monday (this was Thursday).  I said, what if Monday is too late.  How about we go to the hospital.  If you're that sick, then you should be getting seen by someone.  He said to wait.

The following Saturday (one week from the cook-off) my brother took my dad to the hospital.  My mom and I were out with friends, delivering a meal to my friends parents as her mother was diagnosed with Cancer and wasn't seeking treatment.  She was receiving home hospice care.  After we delivered the meal we went shopping and had a good time.  One last hoorah before my mom went in for complete and total knee replacement surgery.  On the way home that night, we got a call from my brother who was frantic.  "I'm taking dad to Maple Grove Hospital.  He's very yellow and we can't understand him very well."

They admitted him and started doing tests.  7 days of tests.  In the mean time, that following Monday we had a horrible snow storm, so my mom and I rented a hotel room so that we were sure to be on time for her Surgery that Tuesday.  So we had our dad in Maple Grove Hospital and our mom in Woodwinds (Woodbury) hospital.  My mom had her surgery Tuesday and by Tuesday night she was trying to communicate with the doctors/nurses at Maple Grove via the phone from 45 miles away.  All drugged up and only comprehending some of what they were saying.  My brother was incredible (as was my sister in law) trying to stay on top of everything with my dad and the doctors.  Asking incredibly good questions, getting incredible information and relaying that information to the family.  They were doing this while I was staying in the hospital with my mom (oh my god the "bed" I slept in was horrible).

I came home one night so I could get my parents garbage down to the corner, sleep in my own bed and turn around and head right back up to the hospital for my mom's therapy.  They wanted the patients coach there for therapy so that we knew what we needed to do when they came home.  Mom came home Thursday... so again, I was back up there that day too.

During these two days we were documenting and posting how good my mom was doing... but on the inside we were so terribly worried about my dad.  No knowing and not being able to talk with the doctors ourselves is very hard.  Even though my brother and his wife were updating us often.

The night we brought my mom home was horrible for her.  She was in so much pain.  I stayed the first night with her.  I couldn't take my ambien because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up to give her her pills (every 2 hours)... so one more sleepless night for me.  I don't do well on no sleep (poor me I know).

Friday I had a concert to go to... Garth Brooks.  I was meeting my husbands friend's basically for the first time.  I needed to be fun and have fun.  I wanted them to like me...  Friday is the day we were told my dad had terminal cancer and had 2-6 months to live.  Pancreatic Cancer is what they said, after all those tests.  The problem is that they couldn't do some of the tests because he also had a heart condition.  Diabetic... and his kidneys were failing (apparently for quite some time, but he never told us how serious that was).

I put on the bravest face I could that night at the concert.  I met some nice people, I liked them and I think they liked me.  BUT we had to the leave the concert half way through... I just couldn't do it.  So my husband took me back to the hotel where I proceeded to cry the rest of the evening.  It was horrible and from this point forward I will forever hate that night.

Since my mom had just had knee surgery and my dad is a 330 pound man that needed constant care, he couldn't come home.  So the following Saturday we moved my dad to transitional care up here in Buffalo.  The place we moved him to was supposed to be the nicest place.  We did not think so.  We didn't like it at all.  The nursing staff was super nice, but very overwhelmed.  The place was gloomy.  They shared super small rooms, so visiting was very uncomfortable.  The people in that place were much older than my dad (71).  He hated it there, thought he didn't belong there.  At this point he still didn't realize how sick he was.

We had a care meeting a week and a half later... the day before Thanksgiving.  They evaluated him and said he had a great attitude and that he was doing well.  He wasn't progressing, but just hanging in there.  He was able to walk to the bathroom by himself, but beyond that he really didn't walk much.

My brother brought him home for Thanksgiving.  This was to be the test.  If he did well at Thanksgiving, he would likely come home the following Wednesday after we had the more conclusive tests done (for Pancreatic Cancer).  Unfortunately, Thanksgiving didn't go all that well.  He was tired and from the little bit of walking inside the house he was done for.  He went to the basement, we brought him his dinner.  He ate maybe 3 bites.  He then went and sat on the couch and watched his football... for the rest of the night.  We all went down to talk to him for a little bit, but it was scary and sad to see.  So I personally didn't spend a ton of time with him... but enough to see he was not well.

We brought him back and my mom and I went to visit him that following Sunday.  The visit was not good.  He looked yellow again, hard to understand, he was somewhat confused again.  He was crying because he said he ruined Thanksgiving.  He didn't... but it was ruined for him.  I think he thought everything would be back to normal.  It wasn't.  We talked with him, cried with him and assured him he didn't ruin Thanksgiving.

The next day we were on the phone with the nursing home.  Pushing to see the house doctor.  We were able to see him the next day.  He ordered tests and confirmed that my dad's numbers were sky rocketing again and he was very ill.  At first he was telling us that there was hope, but after these tests came back and talking to my dad - he realized he was not long for this world.

Saturday came... my dad was brought to Buffalo Hospital.  All of us were there to support him.  He was even more hard to understand and in and out of it a lot.  He cried a bit...  I cried a lot.  You could tell he was making peace with things and people.  It was very weird to watch and be a part of.  Buffalo Hospital could not help him, so they transported him to North Memorial.

The next two days North Memorial tried to figure things out.  They couldn't help him.  We, as a family, made the decision to turn off his defribulator and stop all treatment and move forward with pain management for my dad.  It was the saddest, most scariest thing we've ever had to do.  The odd thing was is that we all agreed on the best approach.  They told us once we do all of this, he had hours to maybe 2 weeks to live... and that they needed him to be moved to hospice.

We moved him to hospice the next day.  He was there by 11... he passed that evening at 8:30 pm.  I won't go into explaining what we went through / saw that day... except I will say it was horrific.  I hope you will never have to see anything like this in your lifetime.

So... long story long... this is why I haven't been writing.  I haven't given up on myself... I just now need time to grieve and then refocus on myself... and I will.  I have to, for my dad.

Take care of your bodies...

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Busy Busy Busy

There's a lot going on personally in my life right now so the updates may be few and far between for the next few months.

I will be doing my best to make decent choices but for now my family is my #1 priority.  I apologize if this is letting you folks down, but right now it's just too much for me to maintain the blog, try and focus on my food and take care of some personal matters.

I'll keep you posted on my progress as often as I'm able.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

My Holiday Goal

So, I've not been the most positive person lately.  You can tell from my posts I'm sure.  It's been quite the last 8 months.  I've gotten myself into quite the depression and struggled and GAINED A LOT of weight back.

I'm not jumping on the "I'm Back Baby" bandwagon, but I'm certainly trying.  I always think about what I'm eating/doing but as of most recent, I've not been in control.  I know what I've been doing is wrong and can't stop myself.  I literally ate 3 candy bars worth of candy in one sitting... maybe even more.  Just shoveling it into my mouth.  I know it's because the Halloween candy is easy to come by, but for goodness sake, how am I even able to do that without getting sick?

I can't answer that, but I didn't get sick.  I didn't feel great, but I didn't get sick either.

Last week at weight watchers I spoke with my leader a bit about a plan for the week.  The plan was that if I could track, then I could buy myself this tasty popcorn.

I didn't track all week long, I made it a day and a half.  UGHHHHH

So I didn't track, big deal.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  There's no point, it's done and over with.  But, what I did do for myself is I finally started to exercise.  I started Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred (3rd time... probably my most used video).  It sucks.  It's hard.  It's do-able... I'm modifying it right now since I'm so out of shape, but I'm doing it.

My husband actually told me that he was proud of me this morning, because I got up to work out before I started work.  Needless to say, I can tell he's not been real proud of me lately (neither am I, but ughhhh it's hard to see it in his face).  It did make me proud of myself too, because I hate mornings... but the fact is, I did it.  It's over for the day and I wish I could do that every day... that, is not possible.  I'm not getting up at 4:30 in the morning to work out.  I seriously hate mornings.

Anyway - I'm proud of myself for this last week.  I was not perfect (had a lot lot lot of candy) but I did something good for myself... not just the working out but my lunches were better for me too and by Tuesday my dinners were on track as well.  I still have a bit to work on and it's only going to get harder through the holidays.

I do have a plan though.  My plan is to continue my 30 days of shred.  Which will put me at the first week of December.  By the end of next week I will have my plan in place for what's after that.  Because I am most definitely going to continue working out. A person makes much better choices if they are exercising.  It's that plain and simple.  You just don't want to undo what you just worked so hard to do.

Eventually my plan is to get back to the gym.  But I'm not ready for all my gym friends to see how much weight I've put on.  I'm THAT person... but I'm also wasting $32.00 a month by not going.  So that is my ultimate goal!

There you have it... I'm getting myself back into a better place.

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.