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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Left Alone

Hello, My name is Tabitha... and I'm an over eater.  Forever will be an over eater.  Honestly, I think this problem I have is just like any other addiction.  Food can kill people too!  People die of obesity all the time... it just may not be the official diagnosis.

I'm not a doctor (obvsies) but I do know that over-eating is a sickness.  I will forever have to watch what I'm eating.  As most of you know, I'm on the Weight Watcher (WW) plan.  I have been following it for almost 2 years now.  However, this is not my first rodeo.  Honestly I've probably joined and quit WW 7 times (that I can actually count, the first time I was in 3rd GRADE)... so many that I have lost count.  I would say that's a lot - given I'm only 40.  I've also done and joined other weight loss programs in between all of the WW join-ings.

I only got to goal weight 1 time of all of these.  I kept that weight off for 2 years.  I was pretty proud of that because I had never kept off weight before for more than probably 6 months before I started gaining it back.  I KNOW I'm not alone in this.  Many people in my WW group have joined several times.  Some people are ashamed of that, I actually think they should be proud.  Proud that they never gave up.

I tell you this because I'm one of them.  I will not give up.  This time is so different though.  I know I'm never going back.  NEVER.  People never say never, I just know that I will do everything in my power to stay healthy and not gain that weight back.  However, with that said... I have moments where I cannot be left alone.

I usually do well when my husband is here in the house.  I typically do well during work.  It's when I'm left alone in the house that I have issues.  When I get bored, when I'm working on something I don't like, when I get mad, when I'm super happy and celebrating... all of these are reasons I use to eat.  I work very hard on stopping myself.  I talk to myself a lot.  However, sometimes it's not enough.  And you know what?  I'm ok with that.

The first time I got to goal weight I never gained an OUNCE in 9 months.  I got to my goal weight and then I started going up and down.  Eventually, I ended up gaining everything back (plus another 40 lbs).  That was a gain of 133 lbs over 8 years.  That's not a lot of time to gain that much.  This time around, it's been 2 years (almost) and I'm hovering around that 90 lb mark and have been since June. Since then, I've been as close as 4 lbs from 100 and as far as 15 lbs.  It's very frustrating... but I always know why.  It's because I end up binge eating, or I allow celebrations, vacations or holidays to get in the way.

I did just that this weekend... I binge ate.  I binged for 3 days.  I didn't do horribly on Thursday, but I was NOT good.  The only reason why I say it wasn't that bad was because I still had some weekly points left over (Thursday is the start of extra weekly points... so I would hope that I would have some left over after the FIRST day).

Friday was terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  I ate until I did not feel good.  I'm not going to go into what I all ate (because I think you would need your heart re-started) but I can tell you my day started with a cupcake and ended with Häagen-Dazs®  the whole pint (28 points - I get 31 for the day).  I also ate breakfast, lunch and dinner that day.

Saturday I was good up until about 6 pm... my plans changed from what I was expecting and I was having a pitty party.  So the food intake was INSANE once again.

It really scares me sometimes how much I can binge like that.  The good news is that since Sunday I've been doing amazing.  I've actually not been able to eat all of my points - not surprised... but kinda surprised.  Only because before I would have just ate all my points and probably more and just move on.  I'm not condoning what I did at all, it's not healthy to do that.  But I know it's normal for some of us.

The moral of my story is... just remember it's not the end of the world when you go so far off track.  You can always get back on... and it's important that you do.  It's worth it, I promise.

After Saturday I was good, very good.  Actually had a terribly stressful last few days where I haven't eaten much at all.  So I was able to make up for it - but I do not recommend binge-ing NOR making up for it.  I ended up being down 1.8 this week.  My total is once again 94.2 lbs lost (I've been here before - several times since June 2013).

I do have a big challenge ahead of me.  I am currently at my scrapbook retreat.  When here I struggle with making good choices.  I am  really going to try and be decent. I won't be perfect, but I'm going to be more conscious than I was last time.  Wish me luck!

I hope you have a fabulous week and really think about what I said... you can recover.  You can do it.  You just need to want it bad enough.

I know that I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.

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