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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Epiphany AND 1 year anniversary!!!

So I think about this a lot... why did I work so hard in 2001 to lose 93 lbs only to gain it all back (plus almost 60 more) over the last 10 years?  Well, I think I've got it figured out but I guess I should start with what I was like when I was a kid.  So you get my whole life picture.

I was a  heavy kid all my life [SUPRISE].  I had joined Weight Watchers for the first time in 3rd grade (no freakin' lie).  I probably lost 20 lbs then.  [I remember getting into a size 11 pants and thinking that was a great accomplishment --- yup seriously at age 9.]  Then gained it back plus some... my parents then signed me up for Weight Loss Clinic (probably 7th or 8th grade) - I think I lost 35 lbs then... [got into a size 14 - I remember this because my goal was to fit into a pair of guess jeans] gained it all back plus some.  Then I joined Weight Watchers again when I was 16/17 (summer before 11th grade) I remember I got down to a size 14 (probably from an 18 pushing 20) [getting into Girbaud jeans then... before that I had to wear mens Girbaud because that's all that would fit me].  I remember I weighed 201 lbs when I joined that time and I think i got down to 165-160 ish.  Gained that all back between my Junior and Senior year... and then I went to college - and gained 40 more pounds.

After college I started a job where I had a huge crush on a co-worker, of course he didn't return the feelings... or maybe he did, but I know he had an issue with my weight.  So I decided to lose some weight, I lost 20-ish pounds on my own (I was 23).  Instead of eating a full meal when eating out (which I ate out A LOT) I started eating half my meals... and walked 1 mile every night.  I lost this weight over the summer... like in 3 months (oh I wish weight came off that easy in my 30's) [got down to a size 18/20 then... from a 24].  He paid more attention to me after that, but it never went anywhere. That job ended, I moved onto another job that I absolutely hated and gained back all that weight plus another 20 lbs (I was 24).

I held onto that weight for a while... quit that job after a year (I was 25) and then started a new job.  On New Years Eve 2010 my parents had a small party.  A ton of pictures were taken... and we had them developed the very next day (my mom is obsessed with pictures - and at the time film camera's were the thing).  We went to Proex (I don't think they exist anymore) for 1 hour photo development... I looked through the pictures and decided (after I started to cry) that I needed to do something.  I was unhappy in every aspect of my life, with the exception of my job.  I was lonely, fat and miserable.

January 3, 2001 I rejoined weight watchers.  The weight was falling off... the good news was I was single and only had me and my dog to worry about.  Also another good thing, I'm obsessive / compulsive - so when I'm into something... I'm really into it!  I lived with another girl (from college) and the very next week she joined...  so the perfect Utopia... I didn't have to worry about bad foods in the house any more - and she and I started to loose the weight.  She had a lot less than I had to lose, but was just as determined.  It was great having a partner... although we didn't go to meetings together or work out together, we still supported each other.  We were always very close (since my Junior year in college) and this just made our bond that much stronger!

By July 2001, I had lost 75 lbs... but was having issues.  I started getting what I thought was heart burn... but in fact it was not heart burn.  I had gall stones - HUNDREDS of tiny gall stones.  I went into the hospital on a Friday night, surgery on Saturday and home by late Saturday night... very scary.  But what I was most scared of was gaining back weight because I was working out like a mad woman at that time... and the doctor told me I needed to take a break from that.  I needed my 3 incisions to heal (in my belly).  I didn't let it get me down and I kept working at it!

By September 2001, I had lost 93 lbs.  Enough to hit my lifetime goal... but I never stayed at that weight.  I had seen 155 for the first time in my life (that I can remember).  I was a size 12 (sometimes 10).  [I don't remember being this size EVER.]
I couldn't maintain that weight... but continued to go to Weight Watchers... I kept the weight off for a year and a half.  I started getting a lot of attention from guys in 2002.  I had my first real boyfriend EVER.  It was great... it ended in August of 2002.  Still... kept the weight off, kept exercising, very focused.  January 2003 I had gained a little weight back, and was determined to get it off... got a personal trainer.   At this time I was also working on buying my first home - so I was working two jobs.  When I wasn't working I was at the gym.  ...by May I was getting burnt out.

By July 2003... If i wasn't at one of the two jobs, I was working on getting my new house move-in ready (it needed a ton of work).  So by July I gained about 15 lbs back... and then met this guy.  My whole world turned upside down.  He had two kids, moved in with me after 2 months of knowing each other... and went up north every weekend.

At first I couldn't go because I had the second job and to be honest... I just moved into a house - that I owned and needed that second job so that I could pay for everything.  So he said... if you quit that job I can help pay for things.  So I did.  We started going up north every weekend... which meant fast food Friday night, he loved dairy queen... so there was that too... and fast food every Sunday on the way home too!  (ps... I loved fast food but had not eaten it much - until him).

Within a year I probably had gained back 30 lbs... I remember being miserable, but so in love.  So I ignored it and kept going on like we were.  In January of 2005 I gained all that weight back.  YUP that fast!  I rejoined weight watchers in January of 2005 and in February my husband asked me to marry him... OK time to get serious.  So trying to plan a wedding and focus on weight loss was challenging... so by October of that year I only lost 25 lbs.

Two months after our wedding, I lost my job and got a new job.  My new job was super stressful... I ate at my desk all the time, I worked EVERY night... and then we decided to move - more more more stress.

2007 I rejoined weight watchers, lost 35 and fell off the wagon AGAIN...  By 2008 I Gained all of that back, plus another 20.  My husband and I decided to have a biggest loser contest... whoever won got to pick the vacation location.  I lost 40 lbs... he beat me.  BOOOOO!

Surprise... I gained all that weight back too.  Oh and plus 40 more pounds.

Fast forward to March 2012... we went on a ice fishing trip.  My sister in law took pictures of me... I cried.  I joined weight watchers for the last time!
Here I am 1 year later... 78.4 lbs lighter, with 68 to go.  [booo... I gained 0.2 lbs this week - stupid period]



So what did I learn... I thought that in 2001 that THAT was the last time I was going to lose weight.  That I'd never gain that weight back because it was way to hard to get off.  That I did it for me!

Guess what... WRONG.  The epiphany that I have just recently had was for what I call my 1st last time... was this:  I actually did it to make myself happy, to become healthy and to find a man.  Because lets face it... it's hard to find a guy that likes a fat person, and even if I did - I wasn't comfortable enough to be in a relationship.  I was too self conscious.

So... this time IS MY LAST RODEO.  I will NOT gain this weight back again, I will meet my goal (fit by 40 baby) and I will figure out how to juggle real life and my food addiction.  I will get and stay healthy!  I WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN!

What things have you learned by losing weight and gaining weight?  Life lessons... please share!!!

I can't wait until I'm Healthfully Ever After.


13 comments:

  1. Wow - this was a wonderful blog!!! First it made me tear up and then it made me sit up and think - OMG - what a wonderful insight and what a wonderful accomplishment.... keep up the good work on your journey! Your face now shows how happy you are with yourself - you are a beautiful person!

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    1. Thanks Mom!!! You're a great supporter!!!

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  2. Amazing pics to tell your journey!

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    1. Some make me very very sad!!! But am super glad that I'm back on a journey to healthiness... I never felt good when I wasn't eating healthy. Just didn't know it because it was my norm!

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  3. So brave of you to put this out there of yourself. You are already a great person on the inside and are on your personal journey for the outside. Way to go Tabi.

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    1. Thanks Teri, wasn't easy posting this one... and thank you for the nice compliment!!!

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  4. Seriously, Tabi....the picture from a year ago doesn't even look like a Tabi I knew. I don't remember ever thinking of you that way. You inspire me, you motivate me, and you help keep my head above water when I'm walking backward on my own path (I refuse to use the word FAIL in my own journey ever again). I'm still reflecting on my life to figure out how I got to my own size - it's kind of a tough journey to walk. Love you with all my heart, I'm proud of you, and I feel blessed to call you friend. <3

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    1. Sadly, it is the Tabi you knew. I need you as much as you need me, so thank you very much for being there for me!!!

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  5. Wow! I had no idea how much you've struggled! I once read that when we are addicted to something we are subconsciously seeking our Creator. The famous phychiatrist Carl Jung once treated a man who desperately wanted to overcome his addiction to alcohol. After a year of therapy and getting nowhere, Jung threw up his hands and said "Listen, you're just wasting your money with me. I don't know how to help you. I can't help you." His patient asked, "Is there no hope for me then? Is there nothing you can suggest?". To which Jung replied, "The only thing I can suggest is that you seek a religious conversion. I've heard of a few reports of people who have undergone a religious conversion and stopped drinking. It kind of makes sense to me." Carl Jung's patient took his suggestion and went on to seek spiritual growth and ended up being able to overcome his addiction. When a friend of his asked him how he did it, he explained how and his friend went on to do the same. His friend was Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA. My father worked the AA program on and off since I was about 8yrs old but never truly "got" the spiritual aspect of AA and never worked on his relationship with God. He ended up drinking himself into a comma and suffered brain damage 14 yrs ago. My mother has been feeding, dressing and bathing him ever since. I totally agree that there is a spiritual connection to any kind of addiction that we are struggling with. Just a thought, a very long thought!

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  6. Wow - what a story you have to tell. I joined the WW program March 21,2012, and as of today I have met my goal and have become a Lifetime Member! I have lost 93# and plan NEVER to gain that weight back. My health is MUCH improved and I feel great! I love my new life and I wish you continued success in this last leg of your journey.

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    1. Thank you and many many congrats to you!!! keep those thoughts about never gaining back. It's important!!!

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